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Monday, July 25, 2011

Paleoastrology: Columbi, July 23 - August 22

Today’s post commences a monthly paleoastrological horoscope. This horoscope is similar to the generic one except that it is much older, and therefore, more mystical. We shall explore the earth’s alignment to the stars and its influence on our lives through ancient Pleistocene animal constellations. It is all very scientific, I assure you. My cat I have reincarnated through each successive sign and am therefore quite qualified to speak on the matter.
Forget Leo, this is the zodiacal month of Columbi, the trumpeting Columbian mammoth in the sky. The stars do not lie, what you see below is clearly a giant Columbian mammoth.
People born under the sign of Columbi are leaders, and excel in strictly structured surroundings, as found in academia and the military. They are intelligent, charismatic, and outgoing, but become very dangerous when provoked. Columbi are late-bloomers, and are most vulnerable when young. As adults, however, they are nearly invincible. The most apt protectors of all the star signs, Columbi are formidable opponents. They are also well-traveled, but their migratory nature makes it hard for them to put down roots. Columbi get along well with most other star signs, but remain wary of Smilodon and Dirus, the dire wolf. Famous Columbi include: Amelia Earhart, Alexandre Dumas, Benito Mussolini, Emily Bronte, Henry Ford, Rasputin, Arnold Schwarzennegger, Peter O’Toole, Yassar Arafat, Annie Oakley, Fidel Castro, Alfred Hitchcock, Davey Crockett, T.E. Lawrence, and Napoleon.

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